Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Anti-Chelsea Directives

Now for a bit of comedy on the site. As a Chelsea fan, it seems like a lot of people - UEFA, the media for example, have been against is in the last few years and applied one rule for most clubs and one for Chelsea. So I came up with this. Of course this is completely fictional, but sometimes it does feel like these rules do exist…

Without further ado, here are some new footballing directives handed down from UEFA/G14 to the footballing/sporting media and referees in all UEFA/G14 nations: These were made in consultation with Liverpool Football Club and Arsenal Football Club with additional input from Arsene Wenger and Steven Gerrard:

1) Thou shalt never criticize Liverpool or Arsenal players, even when they do the same thing as players from Chelsea

2) Stevie Gerrard is the greatest player ever ever in the universe, never to be criticized even if he's played rubbish, dived or made an awful, two footed, boots in the air tackle. If he plays badly it's always someone else's fault. It's either that he's played out of position (despite being lauded for being so versatile) or for England it's becuase he should be playing in the centre of midfield instead of Frank Lampard, who of course isn't even in the same class as Gerrard. This is the Frank Lampard was voted second best player in Europe and the World in 2005 - above Gerrard - and scored more goals from midfield in one Premiership season that any other player. He also scored more goals in World Cup qualifying than any other England player and was voted England player of the year twice in a row, as well as Football Writers Player of the Year in 2005. That's Frank Lampard by the way.

3) Liverpool are the greatest ever football team in the universe (closely followed by Arsenal) and must never be judged or condemned. They rule the world and are always morally right.

4) Jose Mourinho, Peter Kenyon, Roman Abramovich and Chelsea are responsible for all that is wrong with football. Not the G14 clubs who pushed for a bigger Champions League with more money for bigger clubs and Arsenal, Liverpool and Man Utd who made sure all the TV money from the Prem goes to the top teams.

5) Mourinho's words will always be twisted to mean something different to what he says in order to get him out of Chelsea.

6) All disputed decisions involving Chelsea are Chelsea's fault and Chelsea should be punished in any way possible with cards, suspensions, fines, media campaigns and media criticism.

7) Chelsea players who fall over are always diving, especially if their name is Didier Drogba or Arjen Robben. Never the opposition. This applies at all times, even when opponents from G14 clubs may fall over, look up and roll over.

8) When a Chelsea player who has been accused of being a dirty disgrace for causing a graze to a player (rightly according to these rules) is injured even worse by another player that player will not be punished or criticized in the media, especially if they are a Liverpool player.

9) All poor performances of Liverpool are always because Gerrard is off form and not because they are rubbish.

10) Gerrard is man of the match in every Liverpool win, even when he's not playing.

11) Gerrard will be hailed as the best player in the world when he scores a goal that Frank Lampard could have scored in a Cup Final, but Frank Lampard will only be called 'top quality' or 'high-class' (until he joins Barcelona).Gerrard will be called 'world-class'

12) Liverpool managers never say anything controversial or offensive, even when they do.

13) Despite being the top scorers in the Prem and playing the most attacking formation of all the top teams Chelsea will be labeled boring. Liverpool will be praised for great football (especially Gerrard) even though they scored miles less goals, put ten men behind the ball and conceded virtually the same

14) Liverpool always have an excuse for losing to Chelsea, such as a Chelsea player diving when a Liverpool player has him round the throat and the Liverpool player being sent off. Even after 82 mins when 2-0 down.

15) Chelsea players will be sent off for tackles that opposition players will get a yellow for.

16) Liverpool don't spend any money on players, even though they spent over £30 million the season they won the CL.

17) Peter Crouch is a great player (while he's a Liverpool player) and an inspired signing whereas the Chelsea player with the most assists in the Premiership and the same number of goals in about 10-15 less games is a big waste of money.

18) When Liverpool play Chelsea everyone must support Liverpool apart from Chelsea fans.

19) Liverpool fans are the best in the world, and are showing passion when hitting children over the head with glass bottles, write insulting graffiti inside a stadium or throw bottles at players. Chelsea fans who do the same are just thugs.

20) When Real Madrid, Barcelona or Man Utd spend £30 million on a player it's a statement of intent or great investment, if Chelsea do it they are buying success.

21) When the three former clubs win things after spending money it's because they're a great team with a great manager, with Chelsea it's only because of money.

22) Whenever Chelsea play in the CL all people must support the opposition 'in the name of good football', even when they are Liverpool who play some of the most boring football ever.

23) All decisions in Chelsea's favour are wrong and unjust and Chelsea's fault, whereas ones in oppositions favour must always be ignored.

24) When Chelsea complain of a bad decision they are moaners, all other clubs have been 'harshly treated' and are 'unlucky'.

25) Big-names only join Chelsea for money, not because they are the best team in England. If they join anyone else it's for ambition.

26) When a big-name English player does badly at Chelsea then Chelsea have ruined England's World Cup chances, anywhere else they've just had a bad season.

27) Chelsea never give chances to youngsters, despite the fact that Theo Walcott would have got more first team football at Chelsea than at Arsenal this season and they have just bought two of Europe’s best young talents.

28) Arsene Wenger is the greatest spotter of young talent in the universe, whereas Chelsea poach young talent already established, despite all the youngsters Arsenal signed being well known talented youngsters when they signed.

29) Wenger is a better manager than Mourinho even though Mourinho has won both European trophies on a budget the fraction of Arsenal's and won four successive league titles, two successive Prem titles which Wenger has never done. His success at Chelsea is all about money, unlike Arsenal's who spent £17 million on Reyes, £8.5 million on Bergkamp, £10 million on Hleb and £10 million on Henry.

30)Liverpool are the only football club in England with history.

31) When Liverpool players and staff make bold statements they are called confident and Chelsea are called arrogant.

32) When Chelsea players play well for their countries or new clubs you must say “it’s Chelsea’s fault they don’t play like this so often”

33) If a player leaves Chelsea, it’s because “Jose doesn’t rate them” even if he says he wants to keep them, and they say they want to move to get regular first team football.

34) Never give the Chelsea manager any credit whatsoever. Any success is down to the players, whereas bad results are because of the manager.

35) If Chelsea sign a big-name player then it’s an Abramovich signing, if he’s unproven it’s Jose’s signing. This is despite Jose saying he wanted Shevchenko from when he arrived and being strong minded enough not to have to say that and good enough to get another job very quickly.

36) It’s a travesty that Steven Gerrard has not been awarded the OBE for winning the European Cup 12 months ago. However despite winning back-to-back Premierships which only one other club has ever managed, JT and Lampard don’t get any recognition and no-one is to complain when they don’t.

37) If Chelsea win the Premiership again or another major trophy then it’s because of money, not tactics and team spirit at all. If it's another team it's becuase of hard work, tactics and team spirit, not becuase they bought any players.

38) Joe Cole has worked his way into the England team and become a more complete player on his own, not because of Jose Mourinho.

39) Jose Mourinho only thinks he’s a good manager, despite having won more titles in his managerial career than any other manager in the Prem apart from Sir Alex Ferguson. Arsene Wenger is a great manager, despite never having won the European Cup or even one European trophy at Arsenal.

40) It is imperative to continue with the campaign to get Frank Lampard to go to Barcelona, a ‘real’ football team. Even though he has said he wants to end his career at Chelsea.

41) Continue with the campaign to drive Mourinho out of Chelsea so someone else can come in and they won’t be as good. This is despite the fact that success under Mourinho is only down to money and he has had no impact on it at all himself.

42) All fixture lists will be in favour of Arsenal and Liverpool, in terms of first home and away fixtures, last fixtures and fixtures after CL matches, in order that Chelsea will go out of Europe early despite being England’s best team.

43) Arsenal and Liverpool never do any wrong in the eyes of UEFA or the FA, whereas Chelsea will be guilty of all allegations made against them, even if they are false.

44) When Chelsea spend £16 million on a talented 19 year-old with international experience it’s reckless and a big risk. When Arsenal blow £12 million on a talented 16 year old who’s never played international football it’s a wise investment.

45) Always moan about the amount of debt Chelsea are in and say it’s morally wrong and that they should be more responsible with money, and don’t ever criticize Arsenal and Man Utd for getting themselves into even bigger debt.

46) Chelsea Football Club are evil, have no soul and are all about money.

47) All trophies under Abramovich are tainted with money and Russian exploitation of Oil. You the media will moan about even though it was never mentioned before Roman Abramovich bought Chelsea and his money has saved at least two football clubs from going out of business.

48) When a Chelsea player is almost killed by opponent you will take the side of the opponent, even when the incident was avoidable, and criticise Chelsea and Jose Mourinho.

So there you go. These rules may be fictional, but certainly in the last two or even three years it’s seemed like some of them are true at times…..don’t you think?